Bikini Wax
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, Uncategorized, Womanhood
The alternative title for this post is, "Horrible Things Women Do To Themselves During Their Precious, Child-Free Time."
TH got us a membership at Lifetime Fitness, which, if you look it up online, is this pretty posh gym/spa. I was perfectly happy with the YMCA, but TH insisted that Lifetime, while more expensive, had an amazing childcare center where I could drop the girls off and work out, get my hair done, get a manicure, take a shower, or just sit in the cafe and stare at the wall. (Think about it – sitting in a cafe, sipping a coffee, and staring at a wall. No children screaming, tugging at me, etc. PARADISE.)
Everything sounds so good in theory. We often forget the semantics – getting the girls out of the house fed and dry, maneuvering the double stroller through the parking garage and into the gym, and finally, dropping them off at the childcare center by PEELING them off me as they kick and scream, begging me not to leave them. I've often just given up and gone back home without having done anything. Not to mention, the people who work at the childcare center are page-happy. A couple times, I've managed to jog for 5.5 minutes on the treadmill while watching Tyra when I've been paged. (I can actually hear my girls screaming in the background).
TH keeps telling me I need to persist, and that eventually they'll get used to it and it'll be the greatest thing I've ever done. Knowing my girls, I have to say I am dubious. But, I keep trying, praying that someday I'll be able to maybe, just maybe, work out and take a shower in the same visit.
So now that summertime is upon us, I recently went shopping for some shorts. (This is related to the above topic, I promise.) I could not find a pair of shorts that did not either 1) bare one's vagina, they were so short, or 2) look like something a "mom" would wear in a SNL skit. Considering I don't have all the time in the world to shop for the perfect pair of shorts, I went with the vagina-baring ones in a couple sizes too big. You're right, I'd rather have my ass hanging out of a pair of ill-fitting shorts than wear "mom shorts." That having been said, I realized that if I was going to pull off ANY pair of shorts (or bathing suit, for that matter) I was going to have to shave my legs AND get a wax.
Enter Lifetime Fitness, and their never-ending list of spa services.
I decided I would leave the girls in the childcare center and get a bikini wax. I mean, how long could it possibly take? Fifteen, twenty minutes? Surly the girls could survive for a few minutes while Mommy got the shit beaten out of her. Right? RIGHT?
No, I don't ever learn.
Midway through my unbearably painful (not to mention awkward – "So, the weather's been crazy lately… By the way, I need you to do something about the hairy cooter. Nice meeting you!") waxing, I was paged. The spa technician snorted and said, "That's not you, is it?" Oh yes, yes it is, my twenty-something friend with the perfect eyebrows. She looked a bit concerned as she asked, "What do you want me to do?"
I squeezed my eyes shut as I replied: "Get it over with as quickly as possible."
They really ought to offer you a couple shots of vodka before submitting you to that shit. And what's with the TEN childcare people who can't manage my girls? FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES?
I'm using this shit from now on.
Tags: bikini wax, childcare, gym, shorts, vagina
7 Responses to “Bikini Wax”
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Becky Says:
June 6th, 2009 at 3:08 pmI’ve always been too chicken shit to try and get waxed. Someday, maybe…
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Amber Says:
June 6th, 2009 at 7:05 pmI used to get full on Brazilian waxes! I know…CRAZY! I have stopped doing it because after pushing a child out…well lets just say I am not in the mood right now for any additional pain in the nether-regions.
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Johanna Says:
June 6th, 2009 at 11:36 pmOne of my mom friends (who is nearly 8 months pregnant) just told me she wants to get her first bikini wax. I laughed but didn’t say anything. Should I tell her it hurts like a bitch under normal circumstances, much less when your ‘bathing suit area’ has extra blood flow/nerve endings, or should I let her learn for herself? Never mind… I know your answer… you can hide your little horns and tail again.
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Shannon Says:
June 8th, 2009 at 7:25 amStop finding new (or old) ways to torture yourself. So what if shaving doesn’t produce as nice a result? You’re married.
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admin Says:
June 8th, 2009 at 8:28 amAmber – I’ve never been brave enough for the Brazilian. Johanna – I got waxed at 8 months preggers with Nora because I was afraid the baby would come out only to get caught in my pubes. And I couldn’t even see down there, so having someone else do it was my only option. It. Was. PAINFUL. Shannon – I can’t shave. If I do, I’ll be scratching down there night and day, not to mention have the most unsightly razor burn…
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Laura Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 4:21 pmMy dream is to get laser hair removal. I fantasize about it. Many of my friends have gotten their bikini/legs/underarms done. When I say fantasize, it’s the first major purchase (after I move out/ replace my furniture that I had to ditch when I fled CO, etc) that I will make once I have a ‘real’ job.
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admin Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 5:43 pmLaura – I haven’t done the laser removal yet for two reasons: 1) I’m lazy, and 2) I’d rather spend my money on gadgets. Also, doesn’t it only last for a like ten years or something?
