I Am a One Person Freak Show
Posted by admin | Filed under Babies, Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, Uncategorized, Womanhood, breastfeeding
Ava isn't the only one over the booby-feeding. If there are any dudes out there reading this, I have to warn you right now: This is WAY TMI. Continue reading at your own risk.
I admit that my left booby has always been slightly bigger than my right booby. So after I had Nora, it was no big surprise that my left booby produced more milk than my right. It wasn't a huge issue at the time. Ava, however, decided when she was just a tiny little peanut that she preferred my left booby over my right – probably because it produces more milk and therefore gets in her BELLEH faster. (Aren't all babies little Fat Bastards?) This was, to say the least, mildly problematic. I found myself actually trying to FORCE her to nurse from the right side. As she got older and developed something of an attitude, I would offer her the right side and she would turn her head away, stick out her tongue and BRRRRAAAAAAATTTTT! As if I were trying to feed her feces. (BINGO!)
So my body adjusted and, lo and behold, I started producing WAAAAAAAAY more milk on the left side than the right. As it stands, my boobs are two entirely different cup sizes, and I find myself having to stuff my right cup so that I don't look like a freak.
I am over it. Really, breast is best and all that shit, but I'm tired of my freakish boobs. Sure, when I stop they'll deflate like popped balloons (complete with sound effects and flapping), but at least they'll BOTH deflate. As it is, I have one Scarlett Johansson boob and one Keira Knightley boob, and the benefits of neither. Seriously.
My rack. I even drew a little arrow for you, pointing out the discrepancy. God, I rock Photoshop.
Tags: Ava, boobs, bra, breastfeeding, Fat Bastard, Nora
Over My Boobs
Posted by admin | Filed under Babies, Motherhood, Uncategorized, Womanhood, breastfeeding, parenting
I think Ava is over the whole breastfeeding thing, much to my chagrin. And I'm chagrined not so much because I'll miss the closeness breastfeeding brings, but because I'm a lazy lump of a human being.
It was so easy being able to stick a boob in Ava's mouth every time she got fussy. Only a breastfeeding mother can be utter (HA!) and complete solace to a screaming baby in so many ways. It used to bug the shit out of TH when Ava was a tiny peanut, because while he scrambled around frantically trying to figure out how to get her to stop crying, I would just insert nipple. BAM. Problem solved – for the time being, anyway. TH argues that this is a cop-out, and I respond by reminding him that I was the one who endured childbirth, the countless sleepless nights, the physical pain and discomfort of everything mother-related, so being able to quiet my baby with my swollen boobs is the LEAST he can grant me. FOR. GOD'S. SAKE.
Now, however, Ava has absolutely no interest in nursing. When I try to get her to nurse (because I feel like the ol' boobies may explode), she raises her eyebrows as if to say, "Dude, lady, get yo' titties out of my face." She's got places (under the coffee table) to go, people (Nora) to see. She hasn't got time to indulge the crazy lady who keeps grabbing her own breasts and moaning (and not in a good way, people).
So with breastfeeding coming to an end, I am faced with having to prepare a bottle, and that just sucks enormous monkey nuts. Not just because I'm a sloth, either, but because formula is freaking expensive. Sure, she eats a lot of solids, but still… I was hoping she'd last a wee bit longer. *Sigh.* I may have to kiss the buoyant bosom goodbye and say hello to the sad, empty sacks that will be my boobs (until I get a breast lift and / or implants. Oh, yes, yes I'm going there).
Photo by kakade via Flickr.
So a question or two for you mommies: How long do you / did you breastfeed? And will you be doing something about the disaster that will be your jugs afterward? Or are ya'll going to embrace the aboriginal look (plus or minus the miracle bra with Level 5 Padding: The Ultimate Lift)?
Tags: boobies, boobs, breastfeeding, cosmetic surgery, formula, miracle bra, nursing
Forget the Bjorn – Ergo Baby, Baby!!!
Posted by admin | Filed under Babies, Motherhood, breastfeeding, parenting
Holy. Shit. GUYS. I've found the greatest baby carrier on the face of the planet. The Bjorn is shit compared to this thing. Fuck the Bjorn. The Ergo Baby is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
I'd like to give a shout out to my homey, Erin, who lives in NYC and knows a good carrier from a shit carrier, since she walks everywhere with her kid strapped to her. She proclaimed the Bjorn "evil" and forced me to try her Ergo Baby. It was love at first wear. It is designed to totally take the pressure off your back, so you could wear it for hours and not need Motrin *snickers.* It can hold up to 40 pounds, so I can technically use it with Nora. She loves it, incidentally, and thinks it's a game. It has a little cover thingie for the baby's head if you need to cover her while she's sleeping or want to nurse discretely. You can wear your baby on your front or on your hip OR on your back. It has pockets in front and comes with all kinds of accessories. The only bad thing I can think to say about it is that it doesn't allow you to face your baby out. I used it with Ava today, and she didn't seem to mind that she wasn't facing out.
It costs about $105, but if you order it from diapers.com you get free shipping AND $10 off if you enter the code RIMA7999. (No, Johanna, I have NO IDEA how they came up with that code). I also get $1 credit every time one of you orders, so it's works out for me as well. 
And no, Ergo Baby is not paying me for this post (God I wish they were).
Tags: baby carrier, Bjorn, diapers.com, Ergo Baby, Motrin, Motrin ad
I Don’t Get It
Posted by admin | Filed under In the News, Motherhood, Uncategorized, breastfeeding
I am a breastfeeder. That is not to say that I am a breastfeeding Nazi – far from it. I think every woman should choose what is best for her and her own baby. I nursed Nora for 13 months, until she decided that her thumb was a more comforting appendage than my nipple, and I am still nursing Ava. Have I nursed in public? Sure. I don't like doing it, and I always use one of those “hooter hider” thingies. But sometimes it's necessary. I make sure to try and find a discrete corner and don't make a big deal about it. Honestly, if people are uncomfortable with seeing your baby nurse, please, don't force your boobs in their faces. It won't kill you to ask if they mind before whipping out a breast. Yeah, yeah, it's sad that we feel this way about something so natural, but I'm not sure what you are achieving by forcing it on people.
So recently I came across this. Salma Hayek decided to breastfeed a starving baby (on camera) in order to help destigmatize breastfeeding in Africa. Basically, men believe women can't have sex if they are still breastfeeding, so they tend to discourage nursing. Pro-breastfeeder have praised her, while others have cringed.
Here's my problem with this: What exactly did she achieve? If it was to feed the starving baby, she could have simply pumped her milk for him. If it was to help remove the stigma in Africa, I'm not sure how nursing someone else's kid helps that. I guess she thought that African men must find her sexy (as all men worldwide must), and therefore she could nurse and still be sexy…? Ok, I'm not following the reasoning, here. As for raising the stigma of public nursing here in the U.S., well, she could have nursed her own kid on camera and achieved the same effect.
Whatever. She got attention from it, one way or the other. Yes, Salma, your jugs are huge. We already knew that.
Photo by Hamad A-Mohanna via Flickr
Tags: Africa, boobs, breastfeeding, nursing, Salma Hayek
