I Love Bears
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, Motherhood, Uncategorized
I'm sure I'm not alone in this: As a mother, I tend to read things incorrectly, assuming that everything is sweet and innocent and child-friendly. Yes, even I, the June Cleaver anti-Christ, tend to think this way. While everything used to have a sexual connotation back when I was childless, having the potential to make me snicker like a twelve-year-old pimple-faced boy, my FIRST reaction to things nowadays is different.
That being said, my innocent first impression lasts about, oh, three seconds before the sick pervert in me emerges. It really depends on whether my kids are with me, whether TH is there to reinforce my dirty thinking, etc.
SO. One day TH, the girls and I were running our Saturday errands as a family in the "artsy" part of town when I noticed that that the little Honda in front of us had a rainbow-colored bumper sticker that read, "I love bears". My reaction? "Aaawwww, that's so sweet! I need to get one for my car, because goodness knows Nora and Ava LOVE bears. Especially teddy bears."
TH glanced at me to see if I was serious and, seeing that I was, felt the need to destroy what little innocence I had left. He informed me that "bear" is gay slang for a gay man who is hairy, manly, and looks like a lumberjack. HOW TH knows this, I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it.
For you other uninformed mothers, TH is not kidding about this.
In any case, I still want that bumper sticker. With the bumper sticker and the chrome truck balls, my kid's school may ban me from parking in front of their church.
Tags: bears, gay, gay slang, June Cleaver, truck balls
Pirates, Pirates, and More Pirates!
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI
I’ve put up Post 3 of Captain England over on Fiction Chick. You know you want to read it.
Also, a correction to my previous posts: Edward England’s ship, The Royal James, was a brigantine, not a sloop. I know the sailing enthusiasts and pirate re-enactors among you are groaning, wondering how I could be so stupid. My bad, you crazy nutbags. You know I aim to please.
Tags: Fiction Chick, pirates, shitty fiction
Shitty Fiction: Chapter Two
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Womanhood
If you've been waiting for the pirates to make their appearance over on Fiction Chick, you're in luck. They're heeeeeeeeeere… 
Also, just FYI, since I'm trying to make this story as historically accurate as possible (for a time traveling pirate story), I sometimes go back and change posts. If I change anything significant to the story, I'll let you know.
Chin up, guys, it’s a short week!
Tags: pirates, shitty fiction
We Love WP!
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, In the News, Insane in the MOMbrane, Web Design
I am over the moon – my blog design was featured on We Love WP, a gallery of outstanding Wordpress sites. Yeah, baby! If you didn’t want me to design your blog before, you sure as hell want me to now, right? RIGHT? Go on over there and rate my site! Have I told you guys how much I love you all? Hmmm? I LURVE you! SLURPY KISS!
Tags: blog, blog design, Web Design, wordpress, Wordpress gallery
MY New Design
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Web Design
So I'm into the whole "girlie goth" thing with my designs. I blame Twilight. But anyway, I couldn't wait to put this one up. It's so feckin cool. What do you guys think? Be gentle with me, my web design ego is fragile….*SOB*
Oh, and check out the latest installment of Fiction Chick. Seriously. You'll hate it so much you may actually start to love it. You'll go full circle.
Tags: design, Fiction Chick, girlie goth, Twilight, vampires, Web Design
That’s Not My Name
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Insane in the MOMbrane, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Web Design
So the design I made for Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka is up. I'm so excited I could pee myself. It's like designing a red carpet gown for Catherine Zeta Jones or something. People will keep asking her who designed it, and she'll say, oozing with Claudette Colbert panache: "Admin did."
It could catch on, right? I am now popular by association. It was just , like, two days ago that I was crying to my readers, snot dripping down my face, "WHY doesn't anyone LIKE ME?" And you guys, so kind and so full of pity, came back and were like, "We like you, Admin, really we do. It's just that you stick Xanax up your ass to see if it'll get into your bloodstream faster that way, and we're slightly concerned. And weirded out. That's all."
And now, one of my posts has a whopping 15 comments! Holy shit! Hollywood, here I come! Ok, I'm getting slightly carried away. But seriously, guys. I'm so stoked that you're reading my incoherent, half-drunk babble that I don't know what to do with myself.
Another great side effect of being linked with the almighty Becky is that people have been asking me about my web design. I figured it would help if I straight up gave dollar figures for my designs, so that people weren't like, "So, if it takes you, say, three years to finish my design, I'll owe you, what, MY SOUL?" So here goes:
- If your platform is Blogger.com (www.mycrazyshit.blogspot.com), it's $50.
- If your platform is Wordpress, it's $75. Keep in mind that if you have an account with Wordpress.com, they require that you "upgrade" in order to customize.
- If you want a nice little business or personal website, it's $75.
- If you want hand-drawn illustrations (like the ones I did for Becky), add $30 to the price above.
- If you want changes / upkeep, $20 for each.
I think that about covers it. Can I just say that I love each and every one of you? Like, a lot? I could totally make out with you all. Not at the same time, of course. That would get complicated. Ok, off to Fiction Chick to publish my next installment of shitty fiction! *Puts on cape and flies out the window. And crashes into tree.*
Tags: Aunt Becky, blog, blogger, design, illustration, Mommy Wants Vodka, price, Web Design, wordpress
You Know You Want It
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Uncategorized, Web Design, vintage ads
No, I'm not talking about my hot ass. I'm talking about an awesome, rockin' blog design. Yeah, baby!
Blogger or Wordpress, I do both. Oh, and non-blog sites too. You can find my work here, here, or here. And there are a lot more "here's" at that last site.
And while I'm on the subject (of wanting my hot ass), where'd my peeps go? Girlies who used to comment – have I somehow turned you off? It was the Xanax suppository comment, wasn't it? Why you gotta be like that, baby?
The people at "Lustre Creme" would like you to know that if you don't like pink, you're apparently not a girl. Bitch. Photo by jbcurio via Flickr.
Tags: blog, blog design, comments, pink, vintage ads, Web Design, xanax
Fiction Chick
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI
Check out Sabrina (Post 3) over at Fiction Chick. If you’re into that sort of thing (shitty fiction). It’s getting in-tense (said in a gay, Broadway musical kind of voice).
Tags: Fiction Chick, Sabrina, shiity fiction
Argh, Matey
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Insane in the MOMbrane, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Web Design, Womanhood
So… For those of you interested in my self-professed shitty fiction, I have a blog for you to visit. I've created Fiction Chick for your shitty fiction cravings. If you are interested in writing fiction for me to post on my blog, let me know. Check out the About page for details.
Let me know what you think. Especially if you want more, more, more! If you think it sucks and wish I would just go away, then, well, don't let me know what you think. Because I'll probably tell you to eat shit. Just kidding – I'm all about the constructive criticism. (You critical whores.) Also, the site is my design – and mostly my own coding! DAMN I rock my own world. Let me know what you think of that as well.
If you don't remember what the fuck I'm talking about, check out the Intro first.
So my pirates don’t wear eye makeup and beads in the hair, but that doesn’t mean you won’t like ‘em… Photo by cindy47452 via Flickr.
Tags: creative writing, fiction, Fiction Chick, Johnny Depp, pirates, reading, shitty fiction, writing
Shitty Fiction, Anyone?
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Womanhood, schizo
So I've been writing "creatively" for a while now, and was thinking about posting my crap in serial form on this blog. In the alternative, I could post it on a separate site. Now, I know full well that the reason people visit this blog is to read non-fiction about motherhood. So if you'd rather pluck your leg hairs with tweezers one-by-one than read fiction on this here website, let me know. I'll subject other poor souls to my shit.
Before you decide, however, some FUQs (Frequently Unasked Questions *snicker*):
- What is your fiction about? It's about time travel and pirates. Now before you start vomiting, realize that it is meant to be something of a satire – I decided to take two popular fiction topics and sort of make fun of them. All romanticism aside, what would it REALLY be like to time travel onto a pirate ship? I mean, really?
- Are you serious? Yes. I thought it would be fun. Keep in mind that I do my historical research; other than the time travel part, I try to be true to the facts. I didn't study archaeology in college for nothing.
- Are you on heavy drugs? Sometimes. Your point?
- Is your main character you? No. But I try to give her my snark. I try to imagine, for all intensive purposes, what I would do or feel if I were suddenly amidst a bunch of buccaneers.
- Would you still post about real life stuff? But of course. The fiction would be escapism, a suspension of reality, once a week or so. The rest of the time it would be my regular bullshit.
- Is your main character a mom? But of course.
- Don't you have two kids? When do find the time to blog, write fiction, and do web design??? If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I DON'T SLEEP. Nor do I cook, clean, or do laundry. Therein lies the secret.
If I've left out any FUQs, please let me know. *Snicker*
So let's hear it, people. Take a vote.
