We Love WP!
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, In the News, Insane in the MOMbrane, Web Design
I am over the moon – my blog design was featured on We Love WP, a gallery of outstanding Wordpress sites. Yeah, baby! If you didn’t want me to design your blog before, you sure as hell want me to now, right? RIGHT? Go on over there and rate my site! Have I told you guys how much I love you all? Hmmm? I LURVE you! SLURPY KISS!
Tags: blog, blog design, Web Design, wordpress, Wordpress gallery
Parenting Rules
Posted by admin | Filed under In the News, Motherhood, Uncategorized, parenting
The title above is not a statement, as in "Parenting ROCKS!" Although it can certainly be interpreted that way. I guess it depends on what your parenting techniques are.
Which brings me to my subject matter: What is the best way to go about parenting? Consider this a follow-up to my last post, since I am going to fervently, cheerfully advocate chilling out. Again.
There are so many types of parenting styles out there – on a whim, I looked it up on Wikipedia and almost gave myself a coronary. Authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, neglectful… Seriously, how many people neatly fall into one category or another? And how many children neatly fall into one outcome or another? Surfing the net for parenting technique analyses, I began to get irritated: Having kids is hard enough without "experts" breathing down our necks about how badly we're fucking up our kids because we yelled a couple times when they just wouldn't STOP doing whatever it was that was bugging the shit out of us.
I came across this article, advocating "helicopter" parenting over, what, "hands-off" parenting? Jesus Christ in a cardigan sweater, is there no winning this game? Can't we just admit that *most* people fall somewhere in the middle, and most kids come out ok?
I grew up in a household of rules. If I had to pick a style to describe how I was raised, I would say "Authoritarian." My parents were pretty strict, but I would never say they did not show love – they drenched me in love. They just didn't want me making decisions on my own, discovering things on my own, or failing on my own. As such, I would say that for most of my childhood, I was a good little soldier who knew how to obey like nobody's business but dared not try new things, for fear of failure. A picture of my first birthday shows me, eyes like golfballs, reaching hesitantly for the chocolate cake in front of me while my parents wag their fingers. I ended up not touching it, and never once as a baby or toddler, stuck my fingers in my food. (I would post this picture if I could get my mom to scan it and send it to me, but this would entail no fewer than two hours of agony on both ends and my mom wailing into the phone that she's "stuck in the Internet and can't get out.") As an adult, I find myself still fighting those tendencies, and struggling to keep myself from doing the same to my girls.
I do not intend to criticize my parents – I mean, look how great I turned out, writing a blog that is riddled with profanity and all kinds of debauchery. *Snicker* But I do intend to reveal an important truth: No matter how hard we try to be the "perfect" parent, we WILL fuck up at some point in time, and we WILL be blamed by our children and by "experts" for somehow messing up their lives.
So now, I will share with you my ultimate parenting secret, the one I live by: I hug and kiss my kids A LOT. When they talk to me, I try my damnedest to look them in the eyes and listen to what they have to say. I try not to lose my cool over anything, although I maintain some rules for things that matter (like hitting). I laugh a lot, and make them laugh with me. Parenting gurus can call me "indulgent" or "helicopter" or "laissez faire" or whatever, but I'm going to do what works for me, and they can just eat shit if they don't like it.
Ok, now that I've gotten that out of the way, my next post will be about porn. So stick around, because nothing says fun like reading about good parenting AND porn in the same blog…
This is me, giving my best "seriously, fuck off" look.
Tags: authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, hands-off parenting, helicopter parenting, parenting, parenting styles, rules
Awesome Eco-Friendly Baby Products
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, In the News, product reviews
Now, I promised myself a while back that I would not review products on my site that I did not genuinely like. So I promise you can take my word for it when I say something is worth the money.
In the light of that whole Johnson & Johnson carcinogen thing, it's nice to know companies like Ecostore USA are offering some baby care products that won't 1) harm our planet or 2) our babies. I tried out the shampoo and body wash on my girls AND myself, and I can tell you that it's very gentle on the skin and smells great. It's reminiscent of California Baby, but better. The prices are totally reasonable and the products were shipped to me in a box filled with soy, not styrofoam, peanuts. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am giving away a Baby Body Wash Aromatherapy and Baby Shampoo Aromatherapy. Comment below if you'd like to enter. Say something witty if you'd like to win. 
Beeeeeooootches!
Tags: baby products, body wash, carcinogens, Ecostore USA, Johnson&Johson, product review, shampoo
Super Mom
Posted by admin | Filed under In the News, Motherhood, Womanhood
If only I could put the fact that I am "mommy brained" on my resume.
Because apparently I'm more perceptive, efficient, resilient, and motivated on account of it. So says Katherine Ellison, author of The Mommy Brain. Ms. Ellison, for the longest time I loved your theory but didn't truly believe it, particularly when I was pouring orange juice into my coffee, or putting the salt shaker in the microwave. Or calling Nora "him." Or pointing to a field of cows (I'm in Texas, after all) and saying, "Oooh, look! Horsies!" (TH won't ever let me live that one down). Or going to one of TH's firm dinner parties and having abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING intelligent to say. To my credit, though, I never really had anything intelligent to say at those things. Unless getting trashed and talking dysentery (see? I've always been obsessed with feces) is considered intelligent. TH doesn't think so.
But recently I've been reconsidering. Sure, I can't walk across the living room without tripping on my own feet, but I've done a few things that have surprised my sleep-deprived brain awake.
- Before I had kids, I was something of a doormat. I didn't want to "rock the boat" with most people, and would therefore internalize things rather than face them and deal with them directly. Now: You say something off-color about OR to my kids, and I will make you cry. (Maybe I'll go easier on you if you're only three years old, but don't think you'll get away with it again). If your kid is acting up and knocks over my kid, I'll notify you gently. If you do nothing, I have no problem telling your kid to STOP. Just FYI.
- Somehow I am able to go out several times a day with both girls. And even when things go horribly bad, I do it again. And again. If that's not resilience, I don't know what is. Not to mention efficient: Before I leave, I check to make sure I have everything I need in my diaper bag – diapers, wipes, butt cream, snacks, bottles, cups, change of clothing for the girls, toys, wallet, iPhone, mini first aid kit…
- I have a system for getting the girls in and out of the car without anyone getting run over. I analyze my destination and decide whether a stroller or a leash / carrier is better. I don't always get it right, but I learn from my mistakes. I remember which restaurants have changing stations and which don't.
- I know the grocery store (and Target) like the back of my hand. I know where the barcode is for all products, and have on numerous occasions told the checkout guy where to find it.
- I have superhuman strength. I shit you not. At a pool party on Monday, Nora decided she wanted to jump into the pool "like the big kids." I stood in the pool waiting for her, and when she backed away from the edge of the pool by a good two feet, I thought, "Is she going to take a running start?" Before I had a chance to tell her to come closer, she had leaped belly-first for the pavement. I lunged out of the pool and caught her. Her legs slapped against the concrete, but the rest of her was suspended in my arms. She looked at me in puzzlement, not realizing that she'd very nearly eaten the edge of the pool. I have no idea how I got to her in time.
Let's here it, mommies. How are you mommy brained?
The reason for my unbelievably enormous brain. Or one of the reasons.
Tags: Katherine Ellison, mommy brain, mommy brained, superhuman strength, The Mommy Brain
SAHMs Have It EASY, Huh?
Posted by admin | Filed under In the News, Stay At Home Moms, Uncategorized, Womanhood, parenting
Sometimes, it's best not to check my e-mail. Because right now I'm about to have a pisserfit. And yes, it may have something to do with the fact that Nora desperately needs to nap but is at Nana's house and, therefore, would rather fall over from fatigue than keep her happy little ass in bed. But mainly, my rage is caused by this guy, a divorced douchenozzle, and a self-professed "Advice Goddess."
In this "Harried, With Children" article, some fucktard wrote in to this "Advice Goddess" stating:
Women complain about how hard it is being a stay-at-home mom. After getting divorced, I discovered I could clean the entire house in a few hours – accomplishing way more than my wife ever did – and have all afternoon to do nothing. Men work long hours to support their families, only to be told they aren't doing enough around the house. I think being a mom is important and value stay-at-home moms, but let's talk turkey about who really has the hard job, OK?
Go read the article, and then come back. Don't just read the article, read the comments. Keep in mind that "Stayhomemom1" is yours truly. Am I the only one who wants to hack a rose garden to bits with an axe Joan Crawford style? Since I couldn't resist, I commented on the article with this:
I have to say, I find this article offensive. If a woman feels her job as a stay-at-home mom is harder than her husband's,then she doesn't have what it takes and shouldn't have become a mother? Women who choose to devote themselves to mothering and mothering alone make a tremendous sacrifice, particularly in a society where independence and egoism is valued. Moreover, we live in a society where every parental step and misstep is over-analyzed by everyone from the grocery store bagger to Dr. Phil, so it's little wonder that women feel this immense pressure to raise their children "perfectly." To put the blame of such a phenomenon on the shoulders of the very mothers who suffer from it, well, that's just WRONG. MOST mothers do NOT have nannies, housekeepers, etc. MOST mothers love their children more than anything else and are willing, if given the opportunity, to set aside themselves and their lives for the sake of their children. I do believe that women who feel that they've sacrificed too much should take steps to correct that, and if going to work makes for a happier family, then that's what she should do. In reply to the dad who cleaned the house in one morning and had an afternoon to do nothing: You are doing something wrong, my friend.
I'm waiting for the Orange County Register to remove my comment for some reason or another. What they don't realize is how many expletives I left out in order to make it "suitable." To the douchenozzle who wrote in: No surprise you're divorced, Champ. I feel bad for your children – "Dad cleaned house and then spent the rest of the entire afternoon neglecting us." As for Mr. Sacks: You have a stay-home-dad stint for a couple years and proclaim any complaint on the part of SAHMs as "nonsense"? He says:
I do agree with the women quoted above that being alone in the company of a small child can be boring. I suppose my problem was that I was so in love with my little girl that just looking at her and being with her was always sweet. Plus, she and I used to do a lot together–we’d go for bike rides and to the park, go to Home Depot and the store, etc.
So let me get this straight: Women who feel that being in the company of a toddler playing "choo-choo train" for two hours is boring are not as in love with their kids as you are with yours? Or they don't do a lot with their kids, such as going to the fucking park and Home Depot? AS IF SAHMs don't do that shit?
Ladies, please, for the love of all that is good, go to this article and comment. Tell the people who approve of the advice this so-called "Goddess" (who has no children) gave to, in a polite and non-offensive way, go fuck themselves.
Goddammit, my head is about to explode. I've got to stop writing and go have a drink. Or two.
Tags: "Harried With Children", Advice Goddess, Glenn Sacks, Joan Crawford, job, Stay At Home Moms, stay-at-home-dads
Swine Flu Fun
Posted by admin | Filed under Babies, In the News, Insane in the MOMbrane, Preschoolers, parenting
Ever since the media has gone into a swine flu frenzy, Ava has been sick with a fever, runny nose, diarrhea (for you curious readers: green and slightly watery), and now a rash. Now, I ask you: What normal (ok, semi-normal) parent wouldn't wonder, in the back of their minds, whether this was something to worry about? Particularly if you have babies or small children who put EVERYTHING in their mouths and put up a fight every time you try to wash their hands?
This article would be a particularly helpful and calming one if I didn't have kids. It basically says, "Look, folks, no need to bust out the masks. Just wash your hands before you eat and after taking a shit, stop picking your nose all day long, and stay home if you're sick. Oh, and don't make out with any Mexicans." Fine, I made that last one up. But seriously, it's not rocket science, right?
Unlessssssssss…. You have small children.
Talk about Mission Impossible. The article recommends washing your hands for at least 20 seconds, or "as long as it takes to sing the ABCs." Go ahead, try it. It takes FOREVER. Of course, this all depends on how fast you're singing, but even at warp speed this takes a long-ass time. And if you're trying to get a toddler or preschooler to do this every time they touch something suspect, you end up spending every waking moment in the bathroom. Shit, I may as well start potty training Nora if I'm going to be in the can all day long washing my hands.
Babies under two touch their faces 80 times per hour. I've watched Nora – she rubs her eyes, sucks on her fingers, fishes for boogers, all in the span of five minutes. As for Ava, forget it. I've caught her chewing on shoes, eating lint, etc…
So, fellow mammies, what to do? Should we just throw in the towel, tie our kids down and lock them in closets now? After all, it's for their own safety…*snicker*
Oh, and this is probably not a good idea. Just FYI.
Tags: boogers, fever, hygeine, swine flu, washing hands
Note To Mommy: Yo Birthday Don’t Matter No Mo’
Posted by admin | Filed under In the News, Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, No One But Your Mom, Preschoolers, Uncategorized, Womanhood, parenting
So yesterday was my 31st birthday. It whizzed by me in a blur of temper tantrums and poopie diapers (no "feces" tag for this post – I'm tagging this one "poopie") and doctor visits. Let's face it, girls – birthdays just suck from here on out. I was cool up until I was twenty-five, and then I got to the "kay-we-can-stop-the-whole-aging-thing-now" phase. Now that I have kids, birthdays suck not only because I get so many years past twenty-five, but also because they will never, ever be about me anymore. My birthdays are all about Nora. And I realize with chilling certainty that they will also be all about Ava as well in the not-so-far-future.
It didn't help that it flooded so badly in this God forsaken city the night before that I thought I was going to have to build an ark. We lost power for two mind-numbing hours as the sun disappeared into the horizon, and TH, who is known for either seriously overreacting or seriously underreacting in such situations, decided he was going with the former this time and flew to Home Depot to buy out their stock of flashlights. He returned home just in time for the power to come back on. But I'll tell you what, if we ever have a repeat of Hurricane Ike, we've got miner hats, if nothing else.
In addition, Ava started running a fever of 102, so I was certain she had the swine flu. I tossed and turned all night, listening to the thunder and dreaming about diseased pigs. I took her to the pediatrician yesterday, who gave her a flu test and said, "And NO, she doesn't have the swine flu." I laughed as though that were the funniest thing I'd ever heard. Stupid paranoid parents. Thank God I'm not one of them. Uh-huh.
In the midst of all this chaos, TH took us out for my "birthday lunch." We went to the Aquarium, since it's kid-friendly and has big fishies in tanks. Just as I was beginning to think lunch was going to be a pleasant experience, TH fucked up. Big time.
TH knows (Or SHOULD know by now) that Nora wants everything she eats to be separated – if, say, a piece of bread touches her "mac 'n sheeeeez," she ain't eating either of them. They've been polluted. Sure, she'll eat an Eggo waffle after using it to scrub the kitchen floor, but she won't eat cheese-covered bread. Makes perfect sense in Kiddie Land, I guess. Well, we ordered an ice cream cookie sandwich to celebrate my birthday (after tricking Nora into eating calamari. It's chicken, Sweet Pea, I promise….*sinister cackle*). It came with two little bowls, one filled with M&M's and one filled with sprinkles. Nora gleefully began eating the sprinkles one by one as her ice cream began to melt. TH, having a raging case of OCD for all the wrong fucking things (one of which is deserts), couldn't stand to watch the ice cream melt, and said impatiently, "No, Nora, you're SUPPOSED to do it like this," and dipped the ice cream sandwich into the sprinkles.
HOLY. SHIT.
I thought Nora's head was going to explode. The banshee screech she emitted was powerful enough to shatter the glass of the aquariums. The tantrum that ensued has never been rivaled in all of history, I am certain of this. I even tried to pick the sprinkles out of the ice cream, but the damage had been done. The sprinkles had been defiled. The world had come to an end for Nora, and "birthday lunch" had come to an end for me.
Happy biiiiiiiirthday to Mamaaaaaaaaaaa….
Fuck weapons of mass destruction. THIS is a real reason for war!
Tags: birthdays, eating habits, flood, ice cream, meltdowns, OCD, poopie, sprinkles, swine flu, tantrums
Feces
Posted by admin | Filed under Feces, In the News, Uncategorized, parenting
Yes, I know I'm obsessed. It all started when I noticed my tag "feces" was getting to be one of the larger tags, and I decided it was hilarious. Very little, in my opinion, is funnier than feces. I mean, even the word itself is funny. When you have kids, you realize that you've become quite nonchalant about the subject, bringing it up at dinner (while eating chili and remaining utterly unphased); describing the size, color and consistency in public with fellow mothers (or anyone who will listen, really)…
So it occurred to me that maybe my blog appeared in a Google search for the words "blog" and "feces." Nope – not in the first page of search results, at least. But holy shit, there was some entertaining stuff in that first page. I totally got distracted and spent a good 30 minutes doing nothing but reading about feces. I read about a man who showed up at his murder trial covered in his own excrement. About how shrimp feces monitoring reveals the overall health and condition of the shrimp. About how cat shit is added to the "world's most expensive coffee." About how India is selling doors and windows made out of human feces. I cannot make this "shit" up, people.
Two search results struck me as particularly entertaining: This one in which four pieces of ENORMOUS rhino poopie were auctioned off on Ebay back in 2007. Some jackass paid $1,075 for a rhino turd. The other result that struck me is recent – some kindergarten teacher sent one of her students home with a bag of feces. I guess the poor kid shat himself and the teacher thought this was an appropriate form of punishment. Dumb whore. I hope her ass is fired instantly.
Ok, it's not rhino poop, but it sure is funny. That is one big anus. Photo by Millerpd via iStock.
And one more piece of feces news: I think I may have to start potty training Nora. God, this is going to suck. I really just want her to tell me she's ready before I embark on this feces-filled endeavor. Thoughts?
Tags: endangered rhino, Feces, kindergarten, potty training
“Bad” Parenting
Posted by admin | Filed under Depression, In the News, Motherhood, Stay At Home Moms, Womanhood, parenting
Thanks to an old friend, I have realized that many of you gals have a lot of things you’d like to say about motherhood or staying at home with your kids that you haven’t dared say aloud for whatever reason – the biggest of which is fear of how people will react. Trust me, I know. Admitting that you’ve made parenting gaffes is akin to saying “I suck as a parent and will be contributing to the delinquency of our society with the addition of my very own fucked up kids! Hooray!”
For some reason, parenting confessions are getting a lot of attention recently, and most of it isn’t good. Do you know what I have to say about that? CHILL OUT, FOLKS. No one is giggling over child abuse here. No one is laughing their asses off over smacking their kid upside the head or locking them in closets – at least not in earnest. Sure, we laugh about feeding them junk food, letting them watch too much TV, and stuff like that, but sharing those kinds of mistakes or shortcomings help us realize that, contrary to what we are led to believe, parents are merely HUMAN, and the pressure to be perfect is STUPID, and despite our best efforts at ruining them, our kids will turn out FINE. We all want to do what is best for our children, but we also realize that the parenting wars that go on between moms are simply ridiculous and only serve to make us feel inadequate, no matter how hard we try to be good parents. And guess what happens to a parent who feels like no matter what they do they will never be good enough? They become depressed and simply stop trying. Or, in the alternative, they hide their true selves and outwardly insist that they are perfect, like all those delightful ladies I’ve ranted about in the past – President of the PTA; manicured feet in Tory Burch flats; well-dressed, passive-aggressive children; a husband who is cheating with a stripper; and a raging Vicodin addiction. Yeah, like THAT’S normal.
In a society where independence is valued and toughing things alone is the way to go, mothers feel especially isolated – there is no “family unit” to help a mother with her small children, to allow her a break from her maternal duties to take care of herself; no sisters, aunts and cousins to soothe a crying baby for a few hours while Mama sleeps. You want help? Hire someone. Don’t have the money? Well, you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle, now, aren’t you? In a society where “Glam-mas” are on the rise and women are expected to do and be everything – successful mom, wife, and careerist – something has to give, and most often it is our sanity. To which I say: Fuck that.
So this is my response to the problem: Forget the parenting gurus and judgmental old ladies at the mall (or, as it were, on the internet). Love your children a lot, give them plenty of attention, make sure you don’t neglect your own needs in the process, and laugh about the rest. Hey, we’re just trying to keep our heads above water, and laughing about it is the way to go.
In regards to all those thoughts tumbling around in your head about motherhood: Let ‘em out. Once a month hereonafter, I will feature snippets of thoughts from my guests and compile them into a post. Send me your thoughts. It can be a rant about your kids, about your parents, about pregnancy, ANYTHING. I won’t use your real name if you don’t want me to.
And have no fear: Even if you don’t have the nerve to send me anything, I will continue to express my (uncensored) thoughts and hope I provide a voice for you.
Tags: bad parenting, glam-mas, parenting, parenting styles, Stay At Home Moms
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Posted by admin | Filed under In the News, Motherhood, Stay At Home Moms, Womanhood, parenting
So, obviously since I have a blog for stay-at-home moms, I have to mention this. Schlessinger has been getting a lot of attention for her 12th book, In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms. AWESOME! It’s about fucking time. And she kinda goes over-the-top and seems to put down working moms in a subtle I’m-insulting-you-but-am-going-to-deny-it kind of way, but I still think her main message, that stay-at-home moms are undervalued, is very important. I DON’T think being a stay-at-home mom is financially feasible for some women, and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad on account of it. It’s easy for some rich white chick to say, “Stay home with your kids no matter what.”
What do YOU gals think?
I will post more on the subject tomorrow, but for now, watch this:
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
Tags: economy, In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms, Laura Schlessinger, Stay At Home Moms, working moms
