The Crazies
Posted by admin | Filed under Depression, Insane in the MOMbrane, Motherhood, Stay At Home Moms, Uncategorized, Womanhood, parenting, schizo
I am a desperate housewife.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate those words? Individually, they suck. Together, they suck worse. I mean, they are totally offensive together. I cringe admitting that I am, in fact, desperate. And because I hate the word "housewife" so much, I will go with "home economist." I am a desperate home economist. Ahem.
Fuck.
So here's the story, in brief: I went off my happies, a bunch of shit happened at once (including various illnesses that included my girls and me puking together in unison) that would have driven a normal, sane human being to the brink, and I went on birth control pills. Now, I will address each of those shit-storms separately:
1. I went off my happies. Aka, my happy pills. What? I thought I'd be fine without them. And I was, until….
2. A bunch of shit happened. Where do I start? The holidays. I'm not sure when the holidays were considered fun, but they have become a fucking nightmare at this point. Suicide rates are apparently high during the holidays, and while I hear it's because lonely people feel even lonelier during the season of cheer, I think it's parents of small children deciding they simply cannot take it anymore. My parents were meddling in my parenting and heaping guilt on me and TH, my kids were throwing tantrums because I wouldn't let them have yet ANOTHER candy cane for dinner, no one was sleeping in his/her own bed… Additionally, we all caught a nasty, snot-ridden cold (I'm still snotting from said cold) AS WELL AS a violent stomach bug. Snot for Christmas, puke for New Years. Oh, it was fun. I was sleeping in the same room as Nora, trying to puke quietly into a bucket so as not to wake her. God, I wish I was making that shit up.
3. I went on birth control pills. Look, my periods are wacky, and I will absolutely go INSANE if I get pregnant. So all these women are on the Pill, telling me it's fine, and oh, it's the lightest, bestest one around, so I said, OK! Let's do this thing. Bring on the hormones.
Huh.
In hindsight, I should not have gone off my happies during the holidays AND started BCPs. You're right, you're right. I set myself up.
But Jesus Christ on a cracker, if I could have videotaped myself yesterday. I was a raving lunatic, a deranged person. I was snapping at my girls for little things, ripping into TH like there was no tomorrow, throwing a fit because I got in the shower only to find that I’d run out of soap and had to get out, dripping wet, and rummage through the cabinets… My girls heard me say the word “motherfucker” at least twice, and if they grow up to need therapy, it will be because of yesterday, I swear.
Can you say INTERVENTION?
I think TH tried, by coolly asking if I was going to go Andrea Yates on his ass, and as you can imagine, that didn’t help things.
Men.
Anyways, I am doing much better today, thank you. I am getting some writing done, actually put some makeup on this morning, and I am wearing clean clothes.
It’s the little things.
That being said, I’m attacking my doctor soon.
Tags: birth control, crazies, crazy, Desperate Housewives, doctor, happy pills, insane
Weddings, Hot Firefighters, and Pirate Photographers
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Womanhood, schizo
Yesterday, I got to dress up, slap on some make-up, and go watch a friend get married. Then I got to get (got to get? Yes, people, I consider myself a writer) drunky-drunk. And it only took two glasses of red wine. Awesomeness.
In summary, I expected to see a "hot firefighter" because TH swore that someone attending the wedding was dating a hot firefighter whose shirtless pictures were circulating around the Internets, but saw no such thing. Apparently, he's not even a firefighter. (Note how things change significantly when the story goes from "hot firefighter with shirtless pics on the Internet" to "some random dude, probably an accountant, with shirtless pics on the Internet." Yeah. Suddenly not so interesting or sexy.)
And then there was the pirate photographer. TH dubbed him the "pirate" photog because he was dressed in a waistcoat, a collared shirt that was not all the way buttoned, and was unshaven. But I resent the title – my pirates are classy guys. Said photog was flirting with the guests and taking crotch shots of the wedding party. And by "crotch shot" I mean that he was holding his camera at his crotch, not that he was taking pictures of people's crotches. Not that I would put it past him to do that.
All in all, an entertaining evening, particularly compared to my usual evenings, which consist of TH watching football and me glued to my computer like the biggest nerd EVER, listening to the Last of the Mohicans soundtrack and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Shut up. SHUT UP. Like you don't do nerdy shit. You do it, I just don't get to read about it.
A picture I took of myself in the car, in the mirror, with my iPhone. Because I knew that if I didn’t, I would have absolutely no record of me not looking like feces.
Tags: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Feces, firefighters, Last of the Mohicans, make-up, makeup, pirates, wedding
Shitty Fiction, Anyone?
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Womanhood, schizo
So I've been writing "creatively" for a while now, and was thinking about posting my crap in serial form on this blog. In the alternative, I could post it on a separate site. Now, I know full well that the reason people visit this blog is to read non-fiction about motherhood. So if you'd rather pluck your leg hairs with tweezers one-by-one than read fiction on this here website, let me know. I'll subject other poor souls to my shit.
Before you decide, however, some FUQs (Frequently Unasked Questions *snicker*):
- What is your fiction about? It's about time travel and pirates. Now before you start vomiting, realize that it is meant to be something of a satire – I decided to take two popular fiction topics and sort of make fun of them. All romanticism aside, what would it REALLY be like to time travel onto a pirate ship? I mean, really?
- Are you serious? Yes. I thought it would be fun. Keep in mind that I do my historical research; other than the time travel part, I try to be true to the facts. I didn't study archaeology in college for nothing.
- Are you on heavy drugs? Sometimes. Your point?
- Is your main character you? No. But I try to give her my snark. I try to imagine, for all intensive purposes, what I would do or feel if I were suddenly amidst a bunch of buccaneers.
- Would you still post about real life stuff? But of course. The fiction would be escapism, a suspension of reality, once a week or so. The rest of the time it would be my regular bullshit.
- Is your main character a mom? But of course.
- Don't you have two kids? When do find the time to blog, write fiction, and do web design??? If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I DON'T SLEEP. Nor do I cook, clean, or do laundry. Therein lies the secret.
If I've left out any FUQs, please let me know. *Snicker*
So let's hear it, people. Take a vote.
To fiction or not to fiction?(survey software)
Tags: blog, fiction, FUQs, pirates, serials, time travel
Mother’s Day
Posted by admin | Filed under Motherhood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, Womanhood, schizo
Last night TH and I got a babysitter, went to eat at an Indian restaurant, and saw Wolverine. Sans kiddos. Let me tell you, I didn't know what to do with myself, I was so excited. I ALMOST shaved my legs for the occasion (and then decided, NAH. I'll wash my hair instead. What, you think I'd do both those things ON THE SAME NIGHT? What do I look like to you? A sane, hygienic individual? HA!) and put on lipstick. And while I'm on the topic of lipstick, can I just say, I don't wear it anymore. I used to put some form of lip color on my lips every day before having kids, usually this. Now, however, I just wear lip balm. When I wear lipstick on the rare occasion, it bugs the shit out of me. I walk around all fishy-lipped and awkward. Am I the only one who is over lipstick?
The same is not true for concealer, however. I go crazy with that shit. I went to the dermatologist recently for my raging eczema and asked her why I was suddenly getting more freckles and moles. She replied with a smile, "We all do, with age." Fucking great. Pretty soon I'll look like this:
Photo by bobbieo via iStock.
Damn, she's hot. That's the look I give TH when I'm trying to seduce him. Speaking of moles, I had a skin cancer screening while I was there, and if you haven't done that yet, do it. Especially if you're a mole/freckle-ridden hoebag like me.
So back to last night. I was too excited to actually eat. Yes, this is what I've been reduced to. I finally get a chance to eat at a restaurant and not spend the entire time staving off meltdowns, picking up sippy cups and bottles, wiping food from grubby faces and fingers, and I'm too excited to eat. Jesus. I was not, however, too excited to drink. And not to sound like a hermit or anything, but when did these signs start popping up everywhere?
I'm pretty sure those weren't around when I was pregnant with Nora. And they may have been around during my pregnancy with Ava, but I was too drunk to notice. Just kidding. I probably had my head IN the toilet, so I wouldn't have noticed it anyway.
The movie, according to my husband's inner geek, was dismal, but I hardly noticed since I was in Hot Guy Paradise – Hugh Jackman (spending an inordinate amount of time naked and showing off his muscles), Ryan Reynolds, random hot guy who plays Gambit… I was practically squealing with delight, and TH spent the entire movie with his eyes rolled back into his head. I took especial joy in sticking my elbow in his ribs every time hot ass flashed on screen. I have no idea what the plot was and the cheese factor was pretty high, but I'd recommend this movie anyway. Just be sure to take in some ice cold drinks *sizzling sound*…
I was actually depressed when the movie let out and we headed home. My moment of freedom was fleeting, and now it was over. Boooooo. And I know this post is all over the place, but HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY girls, milk it for what it's worth!
Tags: alcohol, dermatologist, Hugh Jackman, lipstick, moles, Mother's Day, movie, Pregnancy, restaurant, sausage fest, skin cancer, Wolverine
