Kiddie Ambien

Posted by admin | Filed under Motherhood, Preschoolers, parenting, sleep

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I know what you’re thinking: WHAT? WHERE? Do I need a prescription??? If so, can I use my meth lab to make some?

Relax. It’s Children’s Benadryl. God, I love that shit.

Anyone who has a three-year-old will agree with me, I promise. Because bedtime has become a horrible, terrible, drawn-out nightmare that won’t end, even when I go to bed myself. I have never seen a human being fight sleep so vehemently, so desperately. It’s one of God’s little jokes: Just when you get to an age where sleep is this heavenly escape from the daily grind, you have a baby. And that baby sleeps poorly at first, then really well, then… becomes a three-year-old, this demonic, sleepless, talking thing that won’t shut up. Ever. I’ve had to shut the door while Nora was mid-sentence, talking about every single thing she has ever learned in her short life. It’s constant, nonsensical, and will drive you mad if you listen to it long enough.

During the day, I think Nora’s motor mouth is cute. It’s adorable. Most of the time. Her voice is high-pitched and chipmunk-like, as is her cherubic face. It only really gets to me when it cuts into my downtime. If she is still blabbing past eight at night, I stop thinking it’s cute. Because that is an almost-solid 13 hours of hearing about ballerinas, swimming pools, hearts, butterflies, princesses, unicorns and Wow Wow Wubbzy.

And THEN begins the struggle to keep Nora in bed long enough to fall asleep. Every five minutes, she’s calling. “Mommy, I need to go potty.” (She doesn’t). “Mommy, I need my bunny. The one with the pink nose.” (She knows damn well we haven’t seen that thing in months).

“Mommy, I need socks, my feet are cold.”

“Mommy, my fan isn’t on.”

“Mommy, I’m thirsty. And hungry.”

“Mommy, there’s a bat in my room with red eyes.” (This one is particularly hard to deal with, because I’ve watched too many horror flicks and am far too impressionable. What if there IS a bat with red eyes in there? Fuck, I’m sleeping with the lights on).

And God forbid TH and I go to bed before she’s asleep. She sees that living room light go off and goes nuts. And wakes up Ava. And then we’re all fucked.

So night after night, we increasingly become overtired, because no one is sleeping, not me, not Nora, not TH. (I should give TH major props here, because he is the one who deals with Nora in the middle of the night. TH, you are an amazing father. And there’s no punch line… You’re just an amazing father).

Enter Baby Ambien. I was at the end of my rope, and so I called Nora’s pediatrician, who is this hip, young mom herself, and begged her to help me. She told me to buy some Children’s Benadryl and give it to Nora for a few nights, until she got caught up on her sleep. I didn’t think it would work. The first night, I gave her the appropriate dose and tucked her in as she rambled on and on and on about her friends, her favorite TV shows, what she was going to say tomorrow… And then started to slur her words, her eyelids slowly dragging shut. I watched, a big smile on my face and waving bye-bye, as she tried to fight off the effects of the Benadryl… to no avail. She was in La-La Land in under ten minutes.

And slept through the whole night.

Oh, shit.

So now, my question is this: how many is “a few” nights? Are we talking like five days? Two weeks? Until she’s ten?

I have to talk myself out of giving her the Bendryl 90% of the time. Because it truly is amazing: No Benadryl, up until way past MY bedtime and every two hours until morning, or Yes Benadryl, down at eight and asleep until seven – at a minimum.

I am a terrible person that I even think about knocking my kid out with drugs every night, I know. But seriously. Spend a week with Nora and you’ll be ready to give her bourbon, if that’s what it takes.

Fine: Rum. Yes, I’m obsessed with pirates, and would give her rum. Now shut up.

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Permalink | February 1st, 2010

7 Responses to “Kiddie Ambien”

  1. Johanna Says:
    February 1st, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    When are they old enough for this magical stuff. And does it work during the day? Just kidding. About the day part. Seriously. How old?

  2. admin Says:
    February 2nd, 2010 at 8:48 am

    The minimum age says 2. I’m thinking we can knock off a year or so.

  3. Brianna Says:
    February 2nd, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Our kids legitimately have allergies (hella allergies that stuff them up so badly that just laying down for five minutes makes them sound like they’re suffocating) so I know well the lovely powers of Benadryl. During the day, their upright noses drain nastily and they can mostly breathe okay, so we refrain from giving it to them, but at night… oh, at night, that shit goes down their gullets promptly at 8pm and by 9pm, they’re happily dreaming AND breathing. Score. Then winter comes, and their allergies die because everything else is dead and when everything is dead they have nothing to sneeze at. Goddamnitfuckmewithabroomstick. Then I go through the “Do I give it to them anyway?” debate. And more often than not, no, I don’t give it to them. Then I end up dealing with weird ass schedules like them being awake until 3am and sleeping until 2pm, with a two-hour intermission somewhere in the middle. Seriously. I’m considering a year-round supply of the stuff just to set their internal clocks correctly. That could work, right? Right?

  4. admin Says:
    February 2nd, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Brianna – I fucking hate those two hour intermissions. We paid for a show, goddammit.

  5. Amber Says:
    February 2nd, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Damn I have to wait 1 more year! Shit.

  6. Jenna Says:
    February 8th, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Hysterical. I love reading your blog, you are writing everything that my 2.5 year old is doing too. “Mommy, i need my red shoes” (they have been broken and packed for 2 months) “Mommy, I have to go potty” (I put a potty in her room) “Mommy, turn my fish on” (yes, that stupid fisher price infant fish crib toy) “Mommy, turn my fan on” “Mommy, I sleep in your room” (oh HELL NO) “mommy, mommy mommy!” drives me nuts.

  7. Andrea Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Yep. It’s totally Ok. Benadryl her until she’s a teenager and wants to do nothing but sleep anyway.
    What? I don’t have kids! But if that’s what I have to look forward to the I say HUZZAH to the Benadryl.

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