My Kids Crack My Ass Up
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, Motherhood, Preschoolers, Uncategorized, parenting
Sometimes. Mostly, they drive me batshit crazy, but sometimes, just sometimes, I laugh at something they say or do. And their little faces light up, they give me these big, goofy grins, and Nora asks, "Mama, are you happy?"
That, my friends, is a big question for a three-year-old. But since I know she means right this second, I answer, "Yes, baby, I am happy. You make me happy." And the goofy grins persist for a good several seconds… Until they do something to piss me off.
One of the cute things: No matter what they are eating — it could be pretzels, bread, a fucking rock, for God's sake — they manage to smear it around their mouths. I don't know about you, but I am amazed at this ability. I mean, how the fuck do you smear a PRETZEL around your mouth? There's nothing to smear. It's a pretzel. And yet, I promise you, there will be a brownish tinge around their mouths afterward. I really should watch more carefully to see how this evolves: How many times can you salivate on and rub a pretzel around your mouth before you actually get it IN your mouth? I should try this some day. Anyone want to join me in this experiment?
There are certain things, however, that are very Toddler Bizarre, and they make me want to impale myself on one of the gazillion princess wands we have lying around the living room. For instance, Nora will eat a cookie until there is only a tiny piece left, and then hand the crumb to me and say, "Mama, I'm finished." Um, no you're not. There's still this crumb left. For some Godforsaken reason, Nora will NOT eat that last crumb. Can anyone explain this to me? She does this with everything: sandwiches, bananas, cookies… WHY WON'T SHE EAT THE LAST TINY BIT?
Ava has entered the Terrible Two's (contrary to popular belief, this phase in Small Person development actually starts at around a year and lasts until the age of fifteen, thereabouts.) She throws tantrums — full body, fist-pounding, hair-pulling tantrums — but only if she is certain I can see her. If I leave the room, she stops trantruming, follows me, and then starts over. This would be cute if it wasn't, well, fucking irritating as shit. I swear, Ava has screamed more in the past couple months than she did the first year of her life put together.
I'm sure I'll come up with more stuff later. I'll keep you posted (HA! GET IT? POSTED? Yes? No? Maybe? Shut up?)
I need a No-Doz.
Photo by Brungrrl via Flickr.
Tags: eating habits, food, No-Doz, princess wand, tantrums, Terrible Two's
4 Responses to “My Kids Crack My Ass Up”
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Amber Says:
January 8th, 2010 at 3:31 pmHmmm…sounds like me and beer. I always leave a little bit in the bottle. I dunno…maybe I think it is all backwash and don’t want it. So do you eat these crumbs? WTF? temper tantrums start at 1?! Shit.
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Johanna Says:
January 10th, 2010 at 6:02 pmCamden won’t eat the last little bit either! I just assume it is because she shows obsessive compulsive tendencies, and also because she is a priss. Perhaps it is the same mindset as people who don’t drink the last bit… backwash?
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mommiebear2 Says:
January 11th, 2010 at 8:35 amAwww, hang in there!
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Allison Says:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:41 amhahaha…cracking up out loud reading this. Just yesterday, I decided it was perfectly fine to let Cate continue chewing on the rock she had in her mouth, because well, it was really more of a stone, and although she might crack a few teeth, she certainly wouldn’t choke from it. And I swear there was a ring of dirt around her mouth when she was done.
