I Win Again
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Motherhood, Uncategorized, Womanhood, parenting
I mean the Mother of the Year Award.
Oh yes, I won again — this month. My mothering practices are so offensive that I am actually awarded the Mother of the Year Award every month.
You thought you won, didn't you? Ha! No way. Eat my dust, bitches.
So I've actually worn Nora and Ava down, and they now enjoy going to the gym with me. Remember this story, in which I couldn't leave my girls at the gym childcare center for five minutes before the folks who worked there paged me? Well, I have managed to break my children. Nora now asks to go there, and Ava is simply accepting. I think she may actually like the people who work there better than she likes me, but I try not to dwell on it. I am finally able to work out, take a yoga class, or simply sit in the cafe and stare at a wall if I want. And yes, I can get a bikini wax in peace. Thank Jesus. The maximum amount of time a child is allowed to remain in the childcare center is two hours, which means I leave the girls there for approximately two hours and five minutes. Ok, fine, I wait until they page me.
Ha! I'm just kidding. Ahem.
So today I took the girls to the gym and watched, with considerable glee, as they waved good-bye to me and rushed off to play with the other little kids. I worked out at my leisure and thoroughly kicked my own ass. It was great.
And THEN, once I was done, I got my stuff out of my locker and started walking out the door.
As I approached the front door, it occurred to me that I had forgotten something. Hmmm. Keys? Check. Membership card? Check. Sweatshirt? Check. Well, what the hell….?
I started laughing aloud when I realized what I had nearly done: I'd nearly left my kids at the gym.
That's right, people. Mother of the Fucking Year, right here. You got nothing on me. I will win EVERY TIME.
"Me? AGAIN? Oh, I'm blushing! I'd like to thank my difficult children, my self-indulgence, my lack of medication, and my fine, well-toned ass — which is currently hanging out of my mini-skirt!" Photo by Malven via iStockphoto.
Tags: biki, bikini wax, childcare, gym, Mother of the Year Award
Bikini Wax
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, Uncategorized, Womanhood
The alternative title for this post is, "Horrible Things Women Do To Themselves During Their Precious, Child-Free Time."
TH got us a membership at Lifetime Fitness, which, if you look it up online, is this pretty posh gym/spa. I was perfectly happy with the YMCA, but TH insisted that Lifetime, while more expensive, had an amazing childcare center where I could drop the girls off and work out, get my hair done, get a manicure, take a shower, or just sit in the cafe and stare at the wall. (Think about it – sitting in a cafe, sipping a coffee, and staring at a wall. No children screaming, tugging at me, etc. PARADISE.)
Everything sounds so good in theory. We often forget the semantics – getting the girls out of the house fed and dry, maneuvering the double stroller through the parking garage and into the gym, and finally, dropping them off at the childcare center by PEELING them off me as they kick and scream, begging me not to leave them. I've often just given up and gone back home without having done anything. Not to mention, the people who work at the childcare center are page-happy. A couple times, I've managed to jog for 5.5 minutes on the treadmill while watching Tyra when I've been paged. (I can actually hear my girls screaming in the background).
TH keeps telling me I need to persist, and that eventually they'll get used to it and it'll be the greatest thing I've ever done. Knowing my girls, I have to say I am dubious. But, I keep trying, praying that someday I'll be able to maybe, just maybe, work out and take a shower in the same visit.
So now that summertime is upon us, I recently went shopping for some shorts. (This is related to the above topic, I promise.) I could not find a pair of shorts that did not either 1) bare one's vagina, they were so short, or 2) look like something a "mom" would wear in a SNL skit. Considering I don't have all the time in the world to shop for the perfect pair of shorts, I went with the vagina-baring ones in a couple sizes too big. You're right, I'd rather have my ass hanging out of a pair of ill-fitting shorts than wear "mom shorts." That having been said, I realized that if I was going to pull off ANY pair of shorts (or bathing suit, for that matter) I was going to have to shave my legs AND get a wax.
Enter Lifetime Fitness, and their never-ending list of spa services.
I decided I would leave the girls in the childcare center and get a bikini wax. I mean, how long could it possibly take? Fifteen, twenty minutes? Surly the girls could survive for a few minutes while Mommy got the shit beaten out of her. Right? RIGHT?
No, I don't ever learn.
Midway through my unbearably painful (not to mention awkward – "So, the weather's been crazy lately… By the way, I need you to do something about the hairy cooter. Nice meeting you!") waxing, I was paged. The spa technician snorted and said, "That's not you, is it?" Oh yes, yes it is, my twenty-something friend with the perfect eyebrows. She looked a bit concerned as she asked, "What do you want me to do?"
I squeezed my eyes shut as I replied: "Get it over with as quickly as possible."
They really ought to offer you a couple shots of vodka before submitting you to that shit. And what's with the TEN childcare people who can't manage my girls? FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES?
I'm using this shit from now on.
Tags: bikini wax, childcare, gym, shorts, vagina
