The Hotness
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Stay At Home Moms, Womanhood
There is very little less sexy than being the mother of a toddler and a preschooler.
Seriously. People tell you that "motherhood becomes you" when you have children, but I am convinced that this is said only to make new mothers feel better about their deflated, saggy, distended bodies. It's kind of a pat on the back, like a "Buck up, you look like shit, but that shouldn't matter any more, right? You're a mother."
Fuck that.
I will be the first to admit that my body is not what it was before I had kids. I think the body part that has most suffered are my boobs. Once upon a time, I rocked those tiny little spaghetti strap tank tops — while bra-less. I wore tube tops and didn't have to worry about looking flat-chested. I had a tight little belly button, and a perky little ass.
That's right, beeeeeeeotch!
Now, my boobs are… *DEEP SIGH* My belly button is… *SNIFFLE* My ass is… *SOB* *GASP* *SOB*
However. I am not even close to throwing in the towel. No way, dudes. I go to the gym and abuse those butt and chest machines. I take my vitamins. I try to eat well (minus the occasional Amos cookie binge. And macaroni and cheese binge. And… shit, people I have kids. I've got junk food all over the place). I MOISTURIZE. That's right. For those you not in the know, read this and begin to moisturize, or die a premature death by dry skin. You didn't think the situation was that dire, did you? Ha! Clearly you haven’t been reading Lisa Rinna’s books. Tsk, tsk.
At some point, I may even get some of that botulism toxin injected into my face and those sacks of saline inserted into my boobs. It all depends on how shitty I get to looking in the future. I guess we’ll see just how successful Nora and Ava are at sucking the life force out of me in the course of the next several years.
But rest assured, I will fight to the death. Yes, yes, I know, looks aren’t important, what’s important is family and inner beauty and WAH WAH WAH WAH (a la Charlie Brown). That’s just what ugly people say to make themselves feel better. *Snicker* Plus, what woman doesn’t want her husband (and that hot dude at the coffee shop wearing the scrubs) to look her up and down and think, “Now THAT is a MILF.”
Yeah, baby, that’s what I thought.
So. Yes, I get up in the morning and take care of myself, even if it means letting my girls eat deodorant while I apply some mascara. And I put on some nice-fitting jeans and a push-up bra, even if the only place I go the entire day is to my mailbox while my 8,000-year-old neighbors peer out their windows and probably mutter something about me being a “hussy.” (For the record, I have no evidence that my neighbors think I’m a hussy. A wedgie-picking bitch? Yes. A hussy? Not yet. I’m working on it. These things take time.) And while it’s not the most practical thing, carrying around a toddler in a v-neck top and a push-up bra, since you never know when she’ll grab you and your boobs will tumble out, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
What about you, you saucy little minx? Come on. MILF status is just around the corner…
Tags: boobs, botox, Charlie Brown, implants, Lisa Rinna, MILF
Botox
Posted by admin | Filed under FYI, Just plain funny, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Womanhood
So I was hanging out in the waiting room of my eye doc's office wearing my swim goggles and Juicy Couture sweats (I was trying to counteract the effects of the goggles with hip threads. It didn't work, in case you were wondering) when, out of the corner of my sliced and diced eyeball, I saw this:
Now, I've seen some pretty bad before/after pictures in weight loss and cosmetic surgery ads, where it's clear they changed the lighting, dyed their hair, and got a tan, but this one just cracked me up. Save your money, people. Because if you just stop looking constipated, you'll immediately look wrinkle-free. Spend five bucks on some Dulcolax instead of the $500 for a Botox injection and get the same result, apparently. Sweet.
And is anyone else creeped out by the whole botulism toxin being a bacterium that grows on “improperly handled” meat and POISONS people? Yes? Maybe? No? Why don’t we just start injecting our own feces into our faces? That being said, I’m totally doing that shit when I get wrinkly. Bring on the toxins, bitches.
Tags: botox, Dulcolax, Feces, Juicy Couture, toxin, wrinkles
