The Hotness
Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Stay At Home Moms, Womanhood
There is very little less sexy than being the mother of a toddler and a preschooler.
Seriously. People tell you that "motherhood becomes you" when you have children, but I am convinced that this is said only to make new mothers feel better about their deflated, saggy, distended bodies. It's kind of a pat on the back, like a "Buck up, you look like shit, but that shouldn't matter any more, right? You're a mother."
Fuck that.
I will be the first to admit that my body is not what it was before I had kids. I think the body part that has most suffered are my boobs. Once upon a time, I rocked those tiny little spaghetti strap tank tops — while bra-less. I wore tube tops and didn't have to worry about looking flat-chested. I had a tight little belly button, and a perky little ass.
That's right, beeeeeeeotch!
Now, my boobs are… *DEEP SIGH* My belly button is… *SNIFFLE* My ass is… *SOB* *GASP* *SOB*
However. I am not even close to throwing in the towel. No way, dudes. I go to the gym and abuse those butt and chest machines. I take my vitamins. I try to eat well (minus the occasional Amos cookie binge. And macaroni and cheese binge. And… shit, people I have kids. I've got junk food all over the place). I MOISTURIZE. That's right. For those you not in the know, read this and begin to moisturize, or die a premature death by dry skin. You didn't think the situation was that dire, did you? Ha! Clearly you haven’t been reading Lisa Rinna’s books. Tsk, tsk.
At some point, I may even get some of that botulism toxin injected into my face and those sacks of saline inserted into my boobs. It all depends on how shitty I get to looking in the future. I guess we’ll see just how successful Nora and Ava are at sucking the life force out of me in the course of the next several years.
But rest assured, I will fight to the death. Yes, yes, I know, looks aren’t important, what’s important is family and inner beauty and WAH WAH WAH WAH (a la Charlie Brown). That’s just what ugly people say to make themselves feel better. *Snicker* Plus, what woman doesn’t want her husband (and that hot dude at the coffee shop wearing the scrubs) to look her up and down and think, “Now THAT is a MILF.”
Yeah, baby, that’s what I thought.
So. Yes, I get up in the morning and take care of myself, even if it means letting my girls eat deodorant while I apply some mascara. And I put on some nice-fitting jeans and a push-up bra, even if the only place I go the entire day is to my mailbox while my 8,000-year-old neighbors peer out their windows and probably mutter something about me being a “hussy.” (For the record, I have no evidence that my neighbors think I’m a hussy. A wedgie-picking bitch? Yes. A hussy? Not yet. I’m working on it. These things take time.) And while it’s not the most practical thing, carrying around a toddler in a v-neck top and a push-up bra, since you never know when she’ll grab you and your boobs will tumble out, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
What about you, you saucy little minx? Come on. MILF status is just around the corner…
Tags: boobs, botox, Charlie Brown, implants, Lisa Rinna, MILF
6 Responses to “The Hotness”
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ash Says:
January 18th, 2010 at 9:52 pmjust thought you’d appreciate this…. I read your blog on my phone most of the time, which I recently switched. I could not for the life of me remember the title, much less the url. So, I googled “blog norah feces mommy,” [sorry, all I could remember, sad] and POOF! There you were.
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admin Says:
January 19th, 2010 at 8:19 amAsh,
That. Is. AWESOME. I knew someday I would rock the search term “feces.”
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Leigh Says:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:46 amChild, please. Don’t fish for compliments — you know very well that you can still rock the shit out of a tube top.
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Sam Says:
January 20th, 2010 at 6:54 amI think my personal moment of realizing that Motherhood had royally whipped my (physical) ass was when I went bra shopping and had dropped an entire cup size. Let’s just say that A does not mean ‘excellent ‘in the world of bras. I am hoping to make up for it by turning the rest of my body into Jillian Michaels. It hasn’t happened yet, but that’s what the savings account is for. Plastic surgery.
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Andrea Says:
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:28 pmI have zero children BUT bargained for a trainer after every birth and plastic surgery when we are all finished with birthin’ babies. (And I say ‘we’ ironically because I imagine he will have very little to do with the ACTUAL birthing.) We may have to live in a hovel but mamma’s getting her ass back in place PRONTO. I mean I brought that shit up before we got engaged people. Priorities.
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admin Says:
February 4th, 2010 at 12:16 pmAndrea – absolutely. I had it in our wedding vows. “To hold, cherish, and give plastic surgery to on demand after bearing your children.”
