Who ARE These People?

Posted by admin | Filed under Insane in the MOMbrane, Just plain funny, No One But Your Mom, Uncategorized, Womanhood

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And why do they think they're qualified to offer advice?

I was haunting the bookstore during my child-free, babysitter time when I came across a couple books that made me chuckle with contempt. The first was this one:

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Now I'm not sure who this chick is, but she clearly thinks she's famous. Not just that, she also thinks that because she married a "Count" (am I the only one who feels like she just time traveled to the the 1800's?) she's qualified to write a book on etiquette. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean CLASS. I don't know about you, but I've got class coming out of my ass.

A particularly cute passage in the book addresses play dates:

Manners For Playdates:

  • Say hello to the adult in charge.
  • Do not help yourself to the fridge or cupboards.
  • Don't wander about into bedrooms.
  • Politely ask for a drink or a snack.
  • Help to clean up.
  • Say good-bye and thank you.

Oh, thank GOD for your advice, Countess. Because I would have been truly fucked without it. I mean, who would have thought to say hello to the "adult in charge" of the playdate? Who, exactly, is this chick's target audience? Inbred rednecks? And why do I have the sneaking suspicion that by "adult in charge" she means "nanny"? Yes, we mustn't be rude to the nanny. That's rule Numero Uno in the quest for elegance.

What-fucking-EVER.

The other book that had me choking on my latte was this one:

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Lisa Rinna is offering YOU, dear reader, the BEST LIFE EVER. Because she has one, apparently. Now no offense to Lisa, but I can't say I'm particularly envious of her or her life. Not the Days of Our Lives, or the Melrose Place, or the posing nude while pregnant thing, or the Dancing With the Stars thing. Generally speaking, Lisa Rinna falls in my "They're still around?" category of celebrities. Not to be confused with my "Why won't they go away" category (Paris Hilton) or "I would love to smack them" category (Miss California). Granted, there is plenty of overlap, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I want to slap Lisa. I'm just "eh" about her.

In her book, Lisa offers beauty, diet, and fitness advice that was written by a chimp. "Drink green tea" is an example. Another one is "order Zone meals." God, I fucking love (and by "love" I mean "hate") celebrities. And she also grants advice on – brace yourself here – how to plump up your lips. Lisa needs to start reading Dlisted, because she seems to think women WANT lips like hers. Like a swollen vagina. Oddly enough, her advice does not involve collagen. What a shocker. Oh, and folks, Lisa simply cannot stress enough how important moisturizing is. Please, people. Fucking moisturize yourselves. It's the key to the best. Life. EVER.

Okay, now that I'm done making fun of so-called celebrities, back to my web design.

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Permalink | June 13th, 2009

7 Responses to “Who ARE These People?”

  1. Amber Says:
    June 14th, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Oh I just love books like these! Wanna know something funny…the “Count” has asked the “Countess” for a divorce! Well at least that is the info I got while allowing my brain to be warped for 20 seconds about a bunch of peeps I care nothing about. And Lisa Rinna…well I can’t top what you said about her! You hit is right on the head. Just more celebs completely absorbed with themselves.

  2. Becky Says:
    June 14th, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Lisa Rinna makes my beaver itch.

  3. admin Says:
    June 15th, 2009 at 8:57 am

    Amber – oh, that’s funny. Becky – yeah, me too

  4. Coco Says:
    June 16th, 2009 at 9:44 am

    Hey – I found you though Aunt Becky, so you know I’m not just some creepy stalker who randomly showed up. I’m BECKY’S super-special creepy stalker.

    Anyway – I laughed and laughed at this post. It’s pretty amazing to me what can get published out there. I mean “Rinnavation”? Lisa, did you fill your brain space with collagen this time?

  5. admin Says:
    June 16th, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Coco – feel free to stalk me any time. I’m in need of stalkers. And there is no way you’re Becky’s super-special creepy stalker, because I AM. Unless she’s two-timing me. As for Lisa, I’m pretty sure she’s entirely made of collagen and silicone.

  6. Keri Says:
    June 17th, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    omg. i love you. you’re freakin’ hilarious!!

  7. admin Says:
    June 18th, 2009 at 7:30 am

    Keri – I love you too. Because you love me. :-)

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